"I'm in lesbians with you."
SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD
" The Babel fish is small, yellow and leech-like, and probably the oddest thing in the Universe. It feeds on brainwave energy received not from its own carrier but from those around it. It absorbs all unconscious mental frequencies from this brainwave energy to nourish itself with. It then excretes into the mind of its carrier a telepathic matrix formed by combining the conscious thought frequencies with the nerve signals picked up from the speech centres of the brain which has supplied them. The practical upshot of all this is that if you stick a Babel fish in your ear you can instantly understand anything said to you in any form of language. The speech patterns you actually hear decode the brainwave matrix which has been fed into your mind by your Babel fish.
Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind-bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as the final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God.
The argument goes something like this: "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."
"But," says Man, "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED."
"Oh dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
"Oh, that was easy," says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets killed on the next zebra crossing.
Most leading theologians claim that this argument is a load of dingo's kidneys, but that didn't stop Oolon Colluphid making a small fortune when he used it as the central theme of his best-selling book Well That About Wraps It Up For God.
Meanwhile, the poor Babel fish, by effectively removing all barriers to communication between different races and cultures, has caused more and bloodier wars than anything else in the history of creation. "
THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY
A woman was gossiping with a friend about a man she hardly knew — I know none of you have ever done this. That night she had a dream. A great hand appeared over her and pointed down at her. She was immediately seized with an overwhelming sense of guilt.
The next day she went to confession. She got the old parish priest, Father O’Rourke, and she told him the whole thing. "Is gossiping a sin?" she asked the old man. "Was that the hand of God Almighty pointing a finger at me? - Should I be asking your absolution? Father, tell me, have I done something wrong"”
"Yes!" Father O’Rourke answered her. "Yes, you ignorant, badly broughtup female! You have borne false witness against your neighbor, you have played fast and loose with his reputation, and you should be heartily ashamed!"
So the woman said she was sorry and asked for forgiveness. "Not so fast!" says O’Rourke. "I want you to go home, take a pillow up on your roof, cut it open with a knife, and return here to me!"
So the woman went home, took a pillow off her bed, a knife from the drawer, went up the fire escape to the roof, and stabbed the pillow.
Then she went back to the old parish priest as instructed. "Did you gut the pillow with the knife?" he says. "Yes, Father." "And what was the result?" "Feathers," she said.
A world of feathers.
"Feathers?" he repeated. "Feathers everywhere, Father!"
"Now I want you to go back and gather up every last feather that flew out on the wind!"
"Well," she said, "it can’t be done. I don’t know where they went. The wind took them all over."
"And that," said Father O’Rourke, "is gossip!"
In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, Amen.